WTF?

So part of my new found popularity on these internets is that a few people have actually asked me to feature specific lenses they have made. One such request came in from KAB who has a handful of HMB lenses that he/she asked me to take a look at. I had actually seen two of the three of them and was already thinking about featuring one… but I didn’t really know what I was getting myself into.

KAB is one of those lensmasters so prolific that you start to wonder about their sanity. Just take a look at that list of lenses he/she has made. It’s clear that this is a very knowledgeable person but I’m afraid with the amount of time he/she has spent making sites about her/his knowledge gaining stopped the day that Squidoo came out and now he/she is just emptying the pot.

So, yeah, about all this he/she crap I keep saying. The problem is that I have no idea what this person’s gender is. Her HMB lens Bratz dolls are Slutty and a poor example for little girls makes me think she is a she. But then he has one If you were a robot, and I knew and you didn’t, would you want me to tell you?

Lets get into scientific facts for a second. Scientific fact number one is that 100% of all males like sluts. Sluts are like totally the best. Top five, atleast. Hey, random man walking outside my window, give me your top 5 all time things.

1. Beer 2. TV 3. Sluts 4. Grills 5. Forehead kisses

See! Now, it’s not so black and white though. Not everyone can be a slut. Kids can’t be sluts. Like, a lot of dudes like how Britney Spears or Mariah Carey or whoever dresses, but when we see little girls mimic their behavior it makes us feel ill. Also, our own daughters or nieces or whatever can’t be sluts. We don’t want our moms to be sluts. It’s just, like, if you are out and there is a slut around you’re gonna be all “hey baby, wanna take a ride in my 97 Saturn?”

So, while this lens isn’t definitive proof that KAB is female it points to it. But maybe it’s a dude who has a child or is close with a child that is afraid of the slutifying influence that Bratz will have on her. But I would think a man’s solution to this would be to teach the kid, not change the world. Leave that to the ladies.

But then we get to his robots conundrum lens, and this is what really threw me off. Girls don’t care about robots. This is also scientific fact. I’ve seen it in action. Lets say I’m at a bar and I’m talking to a slut. I’m all like “yo baby, whats yer sign?” and she is all “I’m a pisces” and I’m like “cool, Data from Star Trek is a pisces” and she is all “What?” and I’m all “Data, the robot, he is a pieces. He is soooooo cool, he has a cat!” And then the slut walks away.

But then as I read this lens I realized it was about that show The Big Bang Theory which is a cute little show about nerds. First off, nerds aren’t cute. Believe me, I know this painfully well. Secondly, nerds aren’t funny. I know I’m not.

So I began thinking that Big Bang is actually tailored for women. I mean I don’t know any guys that watch it and that’s proof enough for me. It’s a show propagated by some dork writers that knew they had the talent to make nerds appealing and females everywhere are eating it up. But then they go out and I start talking about Data from Star Trek and the good graces from the show just don’t carry over. Thank Nerd Jesus that I’m not single anymore. Oh, the pain.

So I’ve decided that KAB is a girl. Even if he isn’t a girl, he is now. So KAB, whats it like being a girl? I think it would be kinda fun and stuff but I don’t envy how insane and irrational you must be. You know, like girls are.

Now that I’m done offending like 99% of my readership, I just wanted to finish on one more…..

*HOLY CRAP OFF TOPIC TANGENT ALERT!!!*

Ok, so I’m sitting here doing this blog writing fun time in my apartment. I also have the Boston Red Sox home opener on, they are currently beating the Detroit Tigers 3-0 in the 6th inning. Being the home opener after winning the world series it’s been filled with lots of pomp and circumstance which hardcore fans like me are eating up.

So, anyway, Bill Buckner is there. If you don’t know who Bill Buckner is please Google it. Bill Buckner broke my 9 year old heart back in the fall of 86. I have since forgiven him but watching this has led me to believe he hasn’t forgiven himself.

They just invited him up to the booth, in fact it’s still going as I type. One of the announcers asks “How have the festivities been for you today” and Bill responds “Marrmmph marrrmph marrrrmph marrmph” in a hush just barely louder than a whisper. The announcers, wearing headsets mind you, lean in closer to try to make out what he is saying. This interview has been going on for like 5 minutes now and I have yet to make out a goddamn word he has said. Amazing. I guess it’s a ‘you had to be there’ kind of thing. Woot, sox just scored again 4-0.

*End tangent alert*

Yeah, so where were we. Oh, I wanted to take us out on one last page I found as I was researching our good friend KAB. I have referenced 2 girls 1 cup before, in jest, and she seems to have same sense of humor about it. She has a squidoo page dedicated the humor (mostly in reactions) to 2 girls 1 cup. Much like my dead cat photo, this humor isn’t for everyone. But if you want to laugh at the truly disgusting this is the place to find everything awesome about it. And she (he?) presents it in a non disgusting way, so it’s safe to atleast get your feelers out there into the world of 2 girls 1 cup.

So I searched everywhere trying to find out if KAB was a dude or a chick. I’ve decided on chick, but maybe the answer was actually out there under my nose and I missed it. I know when I was a kid and working on stuff around the house with my father my dad would yell “Famousmortimer, could you grab me the hammer out of the toolbox” and I would go and it wouldn’t be there then I would tell my Dad and he would give me a look like I was an idiot. Then, when we both arrived at the toolbox it would be confirmed that I am an idiot as it would be sitting right on top like 19x bigger than every other tool there.

So am I an idiot? Or is the answer really not out there and do we need to use science to figure out this amazing conundrum? I challenge you all to try to figure it out by seeing this person’s prolific work here and comment back your results.

Also, and off topic… the spell checker on here has completely disappeared. I think WordPress got mad that I mad fun of their crap and they we were like “I’ll show that jerk.” Does anyone with any WordPress smarts know how I can get it back? I don’t need English Nerds jumping me in a dark alley because I don’t know how to spell Moretimer.